These are all real thoughts, real journal entries and real reflections thrown together on this page in an order that tells the flow of events that describes our love story as seen through my eyes.
Oh No, Not Again!
My head was reeling from what had transpired last night. How could this have happened?
At the end of my last relationship I said, I would never ever become involved in a work place romance again, and that I would put all my focus and pursuit, all my efforts on things that would make me whole, and happy, and healthy; my faith, my calling, my future.
And then unbeknownst to me and ever so subtle it was, the plans changed. I saw the slight shift in agenda immediately when it started happening. But I felt that surely I was in control of it, until suddenly I wasn’t, and by then it was too late. I was so far gone and in so deep that even I couldn’t save me, no matter how hard I tried.
And boy did I try, everything, to save me, to get out of it, to make it stop. But something within me would not budge, no matter how many times I tried, no matter how many ways I tried, I could not escape it, I could not escape him.
I prayed, I cried, I prayed again, I cursed myself, I cursed God, I cursed the devil, I cursed him too, but none of it brought me any satisfaction or relief. I finally felt that I just had to submit to it, this thing was happening and I couldn’t stop it. For reasons unbeknownst to me and far beyond my comprehension this thing was going to take place.
I have to say, it was through this process I learned the serious importance of keeping an open mind. Sometimes the greatest gifts come in the most unexpected packages that if we are not careful we can easily overlook. Now don’t misunderstand me, the package in of itself was a very attractive package. However, had I been stuck on specifics I would have missed out on the single most wonderful experience of my life thus far (and the reason I even started writing again in the first place).
He has made me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever met, ever. He reminded me that relationships should be fun and that it was an important quality I needed to remember to look for in the future. Something that I definitely wanted in the next relationship I would have. I felt in a deep unexplainable sense that our paths were meant to cross, to bring each other back to life. I helped him restore his faith in himself, in women, and even in God. I helped him believe in himself, in his talents, in his purpose and reinstated his self-worth. He inspired me to take my own talents seriously and to really pursue them. In some strange natural process I healed his brokenness and he healed mine. He made me feel useful, he allowed me to put aside my pessimisms to show him optimism because he needed that. Me the pessimist gave this to him and in turn gave it to myself.
What Is This Feeling?!
Until you experience it, you cannot be able to understand what this is like. I have refused to attempt to even try to explain it to anyone, because it is so deep, so complicated, so spiritual, that there is no possible way to accurately explain the experience or what it feels like.
It’s something way different than a crush, or even love, I’ve considered soul mates. But, what is that anyway? I’m not sure I get that, or that this is it. What I do know is that I care for him on a very deep level, a truly amazingly deep level. I care about what he thinks, what he feels, what he’s going through. I want him to succeed, to prosper, to grow and to improve. I want him to achieve his dreams, see the beauty in them, the beauty in himself and his talents, but most importantly I really want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me.
When I am with him, I am happy, we don’t have to do anything or be anywhere but just having our bodies in the same proximity, is a satisfying event all on its own, just to be near him and have him near me, is true happiness in its purest form.
Wow, This is Really Happening…
My soul kept giving me a deep sense that this, with him, is exactly where I am supposed to be right now in my life. I don’t remember ever feeling this way when being with someone in the past, I don’t remember ever feeling like “this” “right here!” is where I am meant to be.
Being with him made me certain of what love is.
I am happier than I have ever been in a relationship, and not in a superficial way, not because he or I have all the possessions and resources that we could ever want, but in a comfortable peaceful sense of being exactly where I have belonged all along. I feel it deep down, I know it, that this is it for me. We just fit, like two long lost puzzle pieces.
In the beginning the reality of it would sometimes catch me off guard and scare me, like, this is it, I’ve obtained what I have always longed for and searched for, what we all search for, true love. Then in a fleeting moment I would wonder, am I sure? Is this really it? And then the panic sets in…you have to be sure!!! But underneath it all yes, I am sure, in a way that I have never, ever, been sure before.
When I met him and we became friends I learned that he had lost all faith in women and in love. At that point we were still getting to know each other and I thought that he was just a really great guy. So I prayed for him the way I pray for all my friends. I prayed that God would heal and restore him and that God would send him love again and find him a good wife. Months later I started to realize that God had heard and answered my prayer, I was stunned yet honored that God had chosen ME to restore his faith in all these things.
That is our love story.