In general, and definitely within the circle of people that I knew, no one liked to talk about it, think about it, or really even acknowledge its existence.
Whether you believed it was an escape from all the crushing burdens of life that you could no longer bear or whether you believed it was a guaranteed one way ticket to Hell where you would be damned for all eternity, even if they will never ever be honest enough to actually admit it, I’m sure that the majority of people that have walked this earth have at least once, even if only fleeting, considered suicide.
I know I have, and today, I considered it. Not in the sense that I had my note ready and my rope, or razor, or gun, or life-ending weapon of choice picked out and prepared. But in the sense that today, life was feeling very much like a crushing burden I could no longer bear and even worse, a crushing burden I simply no longer wanted to bear. I was just tired, mentally and emotionally spent. I was tired of the trials, the failures and the unmet expectations. Today I wished that someway, somehow, even if just for a little while I could just escape the constant dull ache in my soul that I had been feeling so strongly for the past few days. I wasn’t happy today, and I couldn’t generate any thoughts in my head that would lead me to believe I would be happy anytime soon. Each day was just more of the same and I had absolutely no enjoyment in life.
Sure without fail every single day I got out of bed, went to work, met with friends, watched TV, etc. etc. etc. I went through all the normal motions of life. On the surface I was absolutely fine. There was no way of telling that I literally felt on the brink of ending it all. No one would suspect me of these thoughts either because I was always the strong one, the funny one, the responsible one, the one that encouraged everybody else, and that in and of itself is a tiresome burden to bear. Even though I do not at all condone their actions or choices, I do not judge drug addicts or alcoholics because after all my time here on this earth I truly deeply understand the need to escape reality sometimes; no matter how misguided the direction of that need is met.
It was really astounding to me how life around me went along as usual, when I felt like my entire insides had been ripped out and that I had died somewhere in the process. I felt like I had been wiped clean of all joy, and the ease of myself being drawn and slipping into a very dark place. I knew but didn’t seem to comprehend or care that everyone in life is carrying some type of burden, no matter how happy they seemed with their present life, just like me.
If you can relate to any of this at all or even if you can’t please join me in praying for those who are facing and have faced suicidal thoughts.
For those of you who have faced those thoughts, know this; 2 Corinthians chapter 4 (NIV) verses 8-9: “8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”
Also, Matthew 28:20 King James Version (KJV) ”…lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. “
God is always with us, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
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Need You Now by Plumb
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