Tags
alone, death, grief, grieving, heartbreak, hurt, loss, loss of a child, miscarriage, pain, saddness, sudden death, tragedy, unexpected death
Death is a part of life, we know this, yet somehow we are never prepared for it or ready to accept it, at least to me it has seemed that way lately. I find myself grief stricken and walking through a period of profound sadness and loss. I remember thinking two years ago when my sister in law’s mother suddenly died that wow nothing is sacred, unfortunately many of us take the gift of life for granted. Her mother was experiencing some health issues but they appeared to be under control. She was not feeling well one particular Sunday morning and asked my sister in law to take her to the hospital for a check up. Incidentally they forgot something at home, so my sister in law dropped her off at the hospital and ran back home to get it but before she got back received a phone call that her mom had died. Naturally she was stunned, how could that be? I just saw her ten minutes ago, I dropped her off at the hospital entrance she was walking, talking, and now you are telling me she is dead?! I remember getting the text message and calling my mother ten times back to back while she was sitting in church to let her know this had happened. I live in a different state but she and my mom are in the same state and I know she needed support right now. Finally my mother took my call and immediately left the church service to go meet my sister in law at the hospital. We were all shocked at this sudden death and for my sister in law two years later the grief and mourning is still very fresh.
In October of last year on my father’s birthday also a Sunday I was sitting at brunch with my husband when I received the text message saying “my mom passed yesterday she would have wanted you to know”. Death struck suddenly again. This text message came from the daughter of a very good friend of mine. My friend loved to travel that was her passion. Wherever she wanted to go on earth she went even if it meant traveling alone. This last trip had taken her to Europe. This is a trip she had been planning for most of her adult life and she finally made her dreams come true. And now I get the phone call that the trip she had been longing for all this time was the cause of her death. Again I was left shocked. Why did she so strongly want to visit that country? If she had not taken that trip would she have not died or would death have found another way to take her because it was simply her time to go? She and her daughter were best friends and so I know for her daughter the loss was unbearable. I cannot imagine what she was going through especially since I am extremely close to my own mother. I felt a deep sense of loss because I’ve know my friend for more than half my life! And now just like that she was gone. I’m still mourning her loss.
And then without effort I found myself pregnant on the weekend of a milestone birthday. But you see this wasn’t just any pregnancy. I come from a very supernatural prophetic family. We are by no means psychic but through our connection to The Most High God he shows us things. A month before the pregnancy I had a dream. Now I have dreams all the time some are meaningless and some are prophetic. In this particular dream I saw my daughter, I could feel all the love and joy that she brought me and I knew that this was something meant to come to pass. Things we see in dreams are sometimes only symbolic so I have dreamt of babies before and they usually represent something else for example a new beginning but not this time, this dream meant a literal baby and I knew it. The day before my mile stone birthday I got a strong impression in my spirit that I would conceive that weekend. The thing is I had been trying to conceive off and on for about a year and a half with absolutely NO success. So to receive this revelation was profound and I made a mental note. That weekend passed and I pondered in my heart did it happened, is what I was told true. The following Saturday morning I woke up dizzy and slightly nauseated not enough to interrupt my life but very noticeable. Sunday morning the same thing. Google told me it was way to soon to have any symptoms but for the next four weeks I continued to experience increased sense of smell, the occasional feelings of dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, in addition to feelings of extreme hunger and thirst all the time. Because I had been trying to conceive off an on for a year I knew my body very well and I knew that for me, none of this was normal. So I waited for a missed period to take the pregnancy test but in my heart I already knew that the dream I had last month was being fulfilled. To make things official I missed the period I took the test (the expensive digital one with the printed words on the screen) and it said pregnant! I was elated! I had already been praying over the child in my womb daily since conception but now I had the confirmation I needed. This would be our first child so I wanted to plan a very special way to tell my husband and I was preparing a “Congratulations You’re a Dad” package for him so it would be a few days before I shared the news with him or with anyone else.
But before I could tell anyone the unthinkable happened. I was sitting at work a few days later and I began having terrible cramps in my lower abdomen and lower back. And these cramps were different, I’ve had menstrual cramps before these were not them. I went to the rest room to check out the situation, there was no blood. I prayed on the way home from work that evening, God this pregnancy was ordained by you please protect this pregnancy and this baby. I went home and I went to bed. I woke up in the morning and there was blood and lots of it. My husband had already gone to work and at this point only God and I knew about this pregnancy. I referred to Google again and it determined either implantation bleeding or a miscarriage. Because of the magnitude of blood that I had seen I felt that there was no way this was implantation bleeding. Google suggested I seek medical intervention to ensure my safety as well as that of the baby. When I found out I was pregnant I completely took my pregnancy for granted and simply assumed in 9 months there will be a baby, it never ever occurred to me that anything like this would happen.
So I went to the ER alone, I had lost the baby I was devastated, more than devastated actually. Are you kidding me God? Why would you do something as horrific as this? It seemed so cruel and unusual given the circumstances. So now the pregnancy story that I have to tell my husband is not one of joy but one of utter sadness. I remember thinking to myself God for this child I prayed, you showed me this child in advance how could this happen and gently being reminded that God did not spare his own son Jesus and look at what happened to Job all his children died, so who am I to be spared this? It’s not to say that I wasn’t special to God or that my child wasn’t special but that as in the story of Jesus and of Job what we see is not the whole story and that everything even things that cause us extreme pain and agony still have a purpose in the Kingdom of God if we can only be aware enough to understand it that way and see how it is meant to bring God glory in spite of it.
I left the ER and I went grocery shopping it was on my agenda for that day before all of this happened and being the practical person that I am, we needed to have food in the house whether a baby is coming or not. I had called and messaged my mother several times during this incident but she was nowhere to be found. As I was finishing up at the grocery store she finally called me back. I sat in the parking lot in my car sobbing and told her my entire story from start to finish, she listened quietly to everything I said. And then she said this to me, “let me read to you my diary entries from last month”. In the first entry she had written that I was pregnant and I would find out around the time of my birthday. Her next entry was when I had called her to tell her about the dream I had where I met my baby girl and so she had been waiting for me to announce this month that I was pregnant but obviously this was not the call she was expecting. She then told me I needed to tell my sister in law because she had something to share too. My sister in law had a very similar experience to my mom where she felt and had been praying I would also be pregnant by my birthday and was also eagerly awaiting a birth announcement from me this month. Like I said I come from a very supernatural prophetic family. I do not understand why God would go through the trouble to tell three people about this pregnancy and then just let it end in miscarriage, that is the mystery of all mysteries because then what was the point? I couldn’t bear to keep telling this story of heartbreak I told my husband, my sister in law and my mother, no one else. A few days later my older brother said I popped into his mind along with the word miscarriage but he said to himself nah. When my mom called him to tell him the story because I just couldn’t bear to tell it again he shared his experience with her and he told her to tell me not to worry everything will be okay. I spoke to him later that night it was easier to talk to him after he already knew, I told him I cant talk about it right now because the grief is still too near but I wanted him to know. He said, good because he doesn’t want to talk about it either and so we talked about other things. Yes, our family is very close which is such a blessing and a comfort to me especially during this time.
In the conversation I had with my husband I learned that his mother had suffered a miscarriage, his brother’s wife had suffered a few miscarriages and now here I was facing the same ordeal and it got me thinking. Does this thing run in the family? Well if so, here’s where it runs out. I am well aware that the enemy comes only to kill, steal and destroy but not on my watch. One of the things the Lord has allowed me to be very good at is prayer, it has to be one of my gifts I believe. And so I sat down to write a miscarriage generational curse breaking prayer something that would have never happened if this didn’t happen to me. Later my mother just as puzzled as I was about this experience said to me that she does not know why this happened but that God entrusted this experience to me, a profound statement. The bible says the Lord does not give you more than you can bear, this experience feels unbearable but it will not be wasted. I never doubted my ability to conceive I just wondered why it was taking so long! And I fully believe in the dream I had about my daughter and that it will come to pass, I have every confidence that my God will fulfill the promise he has made to me and that one day I will finally see her sweet face. I have been praying this prayer every day since the realization of the generational miscarriage situation and I hope that other women in my situation pray this prayer with faith and experience great success because the bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply, that is our heritage. So below is the prayer that I wrote, here it is modified in such a way that anyone can use it by making substitutions in the blank areas as necessary. (First anoint your head, forehead, hands, womb and feet with oil)
Miscarriage Prayer
Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth I ask forgiveness of my sins and those of my husband (insert his name here). I pray for the forgiveness of the sins and iniquities of our ancestors that may be affecting our lives today. I cover myself and my husband (insert his name here) in the shed blood of Jesus Christ. I stand on the word of God Romans 8:28 that All things will work together for my good, and on Psalms 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord, a reward from him and Jeremiah 29:11 The plans you have for me are good, plans to prosper me not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future and 1 John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. (Place your hands upon your womb) And so I lift up my womb before you today God thanking you for what you have done, what you are doing and what you will do. You have filled my womb before God and I’m asking you to do it again Lord, do not allow the enemy to kill, steal or destroy the gift of motherhood that you have given to me. I pray according to Psalm 30:11 that you see me God, see me and turn my mourning into dancing loose my sack cloth and clothe me with gladness. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth and by the power and authority in his shed blood on the cross I come against every spirit of miscarriage (feel free to insert other issues here that would apply to your situation for example abortion, witchcraft, alcoholism whatever generational curses you feel need to be broken) tied to the (your last name and his last name) name and blood line I come against every generational curse those named and unnamed those known and unknown and in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth I put a halt to all these curses and decree and declare that they cannot proceed any further from this day forward. This family is blood bought by the shed blood of Jesus Christ and my womb is blessed and shall be fruitful. I cancel and destroy any contract or covenant that any demons associated with miscarriage think they have to my womb or the bloodline of myself or my husband and our children and I nullify your plans and I render your attacks powerless and useless by the authority in the name of Jesus Christ and his shed blood. May the inheritance of the (your last name and his last name) be the holiness and the righteousness of God. In the name of Jesus Christ I shall conceive and bring forth each and every child God has for me they will be healthy and carried to full term. Every child of mine and all children of the future generations of the (your last name and his last name) name and blood line shall live and not die. Father in the name of Jesus I pray that everything the enemy has attempted to steal from me and our family that the Most High God will restore it all and we shall be repaid seven fold according to Proverbs 6:31. And so I lay down these prayers and declarations by faith believing that God will hear me and answer me. I call on God the father, Jesus the son, the Holy Spirit and all the Angelic hosts in heaven to back me up in these prayers and to bring to pass what I have prayed according to the will of God for our lives and so I seal these prayers in the name of Jesus Christ amen.
Relatable Songs: It is Well by Kristene DiMarco and I have this Hope by Tenth Avenue North. (click on the links to listen to the music)
