Big Big Plans (or so I thought!)


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and this is the partThe accident was devastating for me. The year 2013 was supposed to be my year, I had big big plans, this was supposed to be the year that everything in my life finally came together, everything was so close I could just see it!  I had my goals all laid out; in 2013 I was getting a better job, I was in a great relationship that was certainly headed for the next level in 2013, and I was starting a house re-modeling project and eventually moving, these were my plans. The accident halted all of that almost as soon as 2013 began.  Everything happened so fast and so suddenly and absolutely through no fault of my own. I didn’t even know who to blame, God or the devil.  Now I was facing 3 to 6 months of physical therapy at a frequency of 3-5 times a week, no high heels (are you kidding me!) and no lifting – carry nothing over 5lbs. I felt like the proverbial rug had been pulled from out under me just as I was on the brink of a great year and that I had been literally crippled because of it.

I’m very independent and self-sufficient always have been, how am I supposed to do anything now…rely on others, yeah right?!  Thinking of the months ahead seemed like my worst nightmare come true.  The experience has not been fun, to be completely honest; I’m still dealing with this, still working through it, still coming to terms with my new reality, many months after the fact.  But, the good news is God never fails and he placed people in my life to ensure that all my needs were always met, even needs I didn’t even know I had.  Yes, the pain was excruciating but it did not match or come close to the pain of losing my independence. It felt like my essence had been taken from me, like everything that makes me who I am had been taken from me, or almost everything.  In short, I hated it.  I don’t feel like the situation broke me, but I felt broken, this is blatantly contradictory, I know, but its my reality. Of course the situation could have been worst, much worst and I’m absolutely grateful that it wasn’t but I still hated the way that in the blink of an eye this situation immediately and drastically changed my way of life.

I know who I am, independent, self-sufficient, can do it all and in 6 inch heels and now since the accident I was helpless, dependent and very very humbled.  The circumstances forced me to focus on whose I am. I knew God would continue to take care of me as I dealt with this and that he probably had some lesson or lessons to teach me in this experience, but at the start of this I was nothing short of furious, I had my own plans for this year and the accident was not at all a part of it.

The moral of the story is that we can plan all we want throughout this life, but we will oftentimes receive a subtle (or not so subtle) reminder that we are not in control, God is.  As I started to end this post I was reminded of the Apostle Paul, perhaps his attitude is one of the lessons that I needed to learn and adopt during this experience.
Philippians 4:11-12 New International Version (NIV)

“11 …for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

Paul’s secret was simple, he knew that no matter what state he was in, God was in control and that he would be taken care of, so why worry, why fret, why get upset. God is in control!

Let us also be reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV), because no matter what we encounter, God has a plan, his plan, which many times is not the same as our plan…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ”

Serenity Prayer

Relatable Song:
Click on the link below
Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets

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The Unspoken Truth (Suicidal Thoughts)


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most comforting words

In general, and definitely within the circle of people that I knew, no one liked to talk about it, think about it, or really even acknowledge its existence.

Whether you believed it was an escape from all the crushing burdens of life that you could no longer bear or whether you believed it was a guaranteed one way ticket to Hell where you would be damned for all eternity, even if they will never ever be honest enough to actually admit it, I’m sure that the majority of people that have walked this earth have at least once, even if only fleeting, considered suicide.

I know I have, and today, I considered it.  Not in the sense that I had my note ready and my rope, or razor, or gun, or life-ending weapon of choice picked out and prepared.  But in the sense that today, life was feeling very much like a crushing burden I could no longer bear and even worse, a crushing burden I simply no longer wanted to bear. I was just tired, mentally and emotionally spent.  I was tired of the trials, the failures and the unmet expectations.  Today I wished that someway, somehow, even if just for a little while I could just escape the constant dull ache in my soul that I had been feeling so strongly for the past few days. I wasn’t happy today, and I couldn’t generate any thoughts in my head that would lead me to believe I would be happy anytime soon.  Each day was just more of the same and I had absolutely no enjoyment in life. 

Sure without fail every single day I got out of bed, went to work, met with friends, watched TV, etc. etc. etc. I went through all the normal motions of life.  On the surface I was absolutely fine.  There was no way of telling that I literally felt on the brink of ending it all.  No one would suspect me of these thoughts either because I was always the strong one, the funny one, the responsible one, the one that encouraged everybody else, and that in and of itself is a tiresome burden to bear.  Even though I do not at all condone their actions or choices, I do not judge drug addicts or alcoholics because after all my time here on this earth I truly deeply understand the need to escape reality sometimes; no matter how misguided the direction of that need is met.

It was really astounding to me how life around me went along as usual, when I felt like my entire insides had been ripped out and that I had died somewhere in the process.  I felt like I had been wiped clean of all joy, and the ease of myself being drawn and slipping into a very dark place.  I knew but didn’t seem to comprehend or care that everyone in life is carrying some type of burden, no matter how happy they seemed with their present life, just like me.

If you can relate to any of this at all or even if you can’t please join me in praying for those who are facing and have faced suicidal thoughts.

For those of you who have faced those thoughts, know this; 2 Corinthians chapter 4 (NIV) verses 8-9: “8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

Also, Matthew 28:20 King James Version (KJV) ”…lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. “ 

God is always with us, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

burdens prayer

The lonely path

Relatable Song:
Click on the link below
Need You Now by Plumb

Follow me on twitter: @MerakiBlog