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When my heart is overwhelmedUnexpectedly death came knocking, literally days after the highly anticipated dinner where I was finally introduced to him for the first time.  I had no idea what we were all about to encounter together.  The next time I saw him, he was laying in a bed in the ICU with tubes everywhere, machines beeping and an oxygen mask on his face. He flashed me the biggest warmest smile that he could muster then just a few short moments later we were ushered out of the room and he slipped into a medically induced coma.  I spent the entire two weeks that he was in that hospital ICU either by her side, by his side or thinking about them. Despite all the medicine, prayers and well wishes, he still died.  The experience solidified for me everything I’ve always heard; about life being short, here today gone tomorrow, and not taking people or anything in this life for granted.  This isn’t the first person I’ve known that died, but this death and the way it happened was so up close and personal for me and I felt personally invested in the fight for his life. She spent every single day in that hospital, she lived there with him for those two weeks, and for a lot of that I was with her, crying and praying there, sleeping there, eating there and practically living there for a few days too.

This loss was especially difficult because from the moment that I met this girl she and I had a connection and it was clear to me that our paths were meant to cross for a reason and in the two weeks I spent at that hospital I now knew exactly why.  When we first met we clicked instantly and in many ways she became like a sister to me.  One of the reasons why I felt our paths were meant to cross was because our lives ran parallel to each other, or at least to me it seemed that way. When she and I first met we were both pretty comfortable in clearly uncomfortable relationships, meaning we were both in relationships that needed ending.  At that point I already knew I wanted out of mine but the timing never seemed quite right.  However, with a lot of prayer and a shocking revelation my relationship ended quite abruptly by my choosing.  Having cleared my own hurdle I urged her to do the same, but as the saying goes you can only lead a horse to water. As always, timing is everything and hers was coming very soon I just didn’t know it then.

Four months after my relationship ended things between an acquaintance and I began to get pretty interesting and I got to know this acquaintance much better and fell hard for him.  This happened for me in February and for her in April.  So, I now saw another parallel in our lives begin.  When I finally met him they seemed to fit perfectly like two puzzle pieces and they were so happy together, this was the happiest I had seen her, ever.  They were in love and had just been married, so when he died so suddenly it crushed me because I knew what she had found in him.

After he died, she said to me that they had a lot of beautiful memories and that she has absolutely no regrets.  Her statement made me realize that length of relationship is not always equivalent to depth of relationship, and I can agree from experience that this is true.  They were in each other’s lives for less than a year. During that time together neither of them had been happier and then just like that he died and it was over.  As she struggled to come to terms with the reality of the situation, so did I. However, I had come to the realization a long time ago that I will live and die and have many of my questions unanswered. So in order to gain some sort of peace I had to just accept these circumstances and just be grateful for the gift of life because for right now it was still mine, still hers, and for now it’s also still yours…

Ecclesiastes 3
King James Version (KJV)
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. 2 A time to be born, and a time to die…

God has a reason

God is there

God is our refuge

Relatable song:
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns

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